Sometimes I feel like Pond Scum

Okay, I'm the laziest person on the planet and in my infinite good fortune, I happened to find and marry the 2nd laziest person on the planet. Our courtship was unique, living in seperate cities we worked our jobs during the week and got together on weekends. The time together was spent lazing about the apartment (either his or mine) and we played games, watched movies, read books, took naps, dined out or ordered in, microwaved popcorn, etc. And we were content. We didn't nag each other or berate one another for not "trying harder". We were happy, it was fun. Fast forward and add a marriage license and three kids...we're still trying to live the lazy life and its not working out so well. Things need to get done, get washed, get dried, get picked up, get put away, get ordered, get mailed, get scheduled, get attended and so on. And things are not so content anymore. And there is a whole lot of nagging and berating going on. And things aren't going well. And I'm not happy, and it isn't fun. When I imagine the apparently well known, yet unpublished list of Essential Duties That Must Be Done Daily in a Home, I know we are behind on all of them. I suck and it sucks. I don't want to change but I have to. And it isn't easy changing. And it isn't fast. And its a painful. Because honestly if you take away our carefree and easy-going nature and replace it with a schedule and list of rules...what have you got? ...
I don't know. And I'm afraid to find out.

And its not equal anymore. I can't even use the "we" pronoun. Its "me". I'm the mother of these children. I'm suppose to make sure that the necessary things get done. If my new age husband agrees to help with any small or large aspect of the chore list, that's super. But ultimately, if there's cracker crumbs all over the carpet and the kids are wearing mismatched socks...who do people judge? The father...oh,no. Its the mother. Always the mother. Its a tall order to be a Mother, even if you don't count the actual "child-rearing duties". So many unwritten codes and policies that honestly I don't give a damn about...except...apparently I am being judged by them and failing. And that matters to me.

money

Wish i had some, no change that, wish I had approximately $30,000.

Where to begin?

Wow. I really don't know where to begin to catch up on this blog. But I feel like I need to. I feel like it helps me to write it down and let it go. It makes the "growing process" more official, more real. And ultimately that's what life is all about isn't it...growth. Some take it more seriously than others mind you...because we all know of people who seem totally and hopelessly stuck in their 2ND grade/high school/sorority girl stage.

Back to MY growth...

True fact: My children are an extension of me.
Analysis: People in the world see a child as a reflection/extension of the parent. Be it good or bad...what that child does, the parent played a hand. Honestly, right now this sucks for me. And its painful. I've always had a hard time with the whole "I married T-Dad so for some reason people think we "think" alike." Uh, no, that's not true. But now my children's behavior...aargh. I am looking forward to that time when my son graduates with honors OR is voted MVP for his lacrosse team and people congratulate "me" for raising such a fine lad.

True fact: A stay-at-home mom is responsible for the cleanliness of the home.
Analysis: Wow. That's a lot. And I admit, not my strong suit. But buckaroos...I can change. I am taking on a 30 day challenge to stay ON TOP OF the dishes and the laundry. Watch me fly.

True fact: T-Dad is wimpy when he's sick.
Analysis: I can't change this so I better get over it.

Illinois Marathon - belated

Bug and T-Dad participated in the Illinois Marathon Youth Run on April 11, 2009. I missed it. We were home celebrating my birthday with my aunt, her aunt in law, her fiance and my folks...and Mealyworm and Early Bird. :) The pictures are worth a thousand words though...(I'm a few months behind...but these were so cute.)

Stretching is very important before a big run.

They ran into Memorial Stadium.

T-Dad got to run with Bug the whole way.

Bug was really proud of his accomplishment...and so was T-Dad. :)

All the kids who participated got a really nice medal, t-shirt and shoulder sack.

Coolest Cat

We don't deserve the coolest cat in the world. Bug is harrassing her all the time. Hopefully she will continue to be cool and not get warped into some grouchy, recluse cat.

Perceptive Little Punk

So Mealyworm picks up my body language and I'm not happy about it. I can't be bitchy anymore. I can't be pissed off about nothing or irritated by typical toddler behavior. I can't roll my eyes at my own stupidity, curse my husband (under my breath) or groan with annoyance at the idiocy of drivers. She's all over me like a fly on poop. She says.."Are you happy, Mommy?" and I pause and wonder...do I tell the truth or do I lie. And then if her behavior in anyway has caused my "unhappiness" she asks "Do you want to be my friend, Mommy?" and depending on the severity of her infraction of the rules OR my own annoyance level...I find myself, again, wondering, do I tell the truth or do I lie?

I'm always tempted to be selfish and shout - "No, I am not happy. I am far from happy. There is nothing right now that is remotely happy. Thanks for asking, Mealyworm."
And as for "Do I want to be your friend?" - "No, I don't want to be friends with a little brat who won't leave her pacifier in her bed like I asked a million times, who eats her big brothers candy that he has hidden in his "secret" spot, who gets into my purse and chews 5 pieces of gum at one time, who hits the cat and pokes her baby sister in the eye. Really, that's not my idea of a "friend." But thanks for asking."

But (usually) I respond - "Yes, Mealyworm, I'm happy. Mommy is just frustrated right now because blah, blah, blah. But I'm happy."
And as for do I want to be your friend? "Yes, Mealyworm, I want to be your friend. I'm happy to be your mommy and I will always be your #1 fan. I am your friend in the truest sense...I'm your mom and will always love you."

I guess sometimes when I think I'm lying, its really the truth deep down.

Knitting

My mom is an awesome knitter. She learned to knit a long time ago, even knitted my dad a sweater in college ( that I wore all the time when I was in high school). But she was out of the knitting phase when I was growing (and totally into sewing...all our clothes). So I actuaaly learned how to knit when I was in Germany. My German exchange friend, Silke, taught me how to do it. And shortly there after, my mom picked up her needles again and has been knitting ever since. on her most recent visit she finished knitting a blanket for Mealyworm's baby dolls. Very cute. Here's Mealyworm giving it a whirl...

Early Bird

A little ditty I wrote when Early Bird was born...

10 fingers, 10 toes. A beating heart and a button nose. So small, and sleepy and honestly frail. But not a detail was missed, not even a fingernail.

Crying baby and a smile

What's been going on with Early Bird...

Colic. She cries all the time in the evening. She screams bloody murder and tightens every little muscle in her small body, fighting the pain in her tummy. She looks at me with this pissed off scowl and screams in high-pitched newborn caterwauling, with every ounce she's got -

What the &@%$ is going on! I'm in pain, something hurts. Why? WTF, mama?

On a good note...she naps alot during the day. AND...

The other day, she smiled at me. Such a precious reward.

My baby boy is 5

Yep, he's 5. He is totally ready. Five is what he is. He doesn't act like a 4 year old. In fact, I'd say he hasn't acting four for months now. He's officially a five-year-old now. He was born at 10:11 pm. Congratulations, Bug.

Week 4 - Calgon take me away.

Okay...it should be easier. We should be in a "routine" of some kind. My house should be cleaner than ever with my being off work for like 2 months. But uh...no. None of the above. Aaargh!
Its terrible when you really try to force your 2 year old to sit and watch TV. I find myself wishing she would get fixated on the television, like her older brother...so that I could accomplish something...anything! But who am I kidding...if she and her older brother were both sitting transfixed to the TV...the newborn would be wailing or the cat would be puking or the washing maching overflowing, etc. I need to be better about just getting stuff done despite the circumstances...hmpf.

A Revelation

Ooooohhh, I get it now. Being a stay at home mother means you have to do EVERYTHING. Cook, clean, plan activities, take kids to doctor appts, grocery shop, get things fixed, etc. At least when I worked, my husband chipped in a little. But now that I have all this time at home...I have to do everything. Well, at least now I know.

Wit's end

Okay, so she did it again! Mealyworm opened the window and screen in her room and threw toys out! Mind you this is a 2nd floor window...with a concrete patio underneath! Aargh! Mealyworm will be 3 in about 5 wks. And its like talking to a puppy...she just doesn't listen. She doesn't care what toy I take away, what "treat" she's not going to get, blah, blah, blah. Mind you she is sad when mommy is mad, but it doesn't stop her from doing it the next time...I swear, she's going to push me over the edge of insanity.

I'm gonna' smoke the whole world

Necessary Background Info: Bug gets tired in the afternoons, but its hard work to get him to take a nap. So since I've been staying home with him, to make it easier on him...and me...we've (I've) decided that Tues/Thurs are napping days and M/W/F are "quiet time" days. He can play quietly in his room for an hour by himself.
Setting: After lunch on Monday. Mealyworm has brought in the "Dora Van" from the living room to play with in her bed. (I'm fine with this because she falls asleep in like 5 min every day regardless of what toy she has in her bed.) Once Bug has discovered she has the van, of course he wants it. And a temper tantrum begins, but I hold my ground and even after Mealyworm falls asleep, I refuse to go in there and get the damn van for him. Its the principle. I'm trying to nurse Miranda or something and Bug keeps coming out of his room issuing demands...

Sooooo...the following discussion occurs, I'll say he was persistant:

Disturbance #1
Bug: I want the Dora van! Waaaa, boo hooo. (much yelling and gnashing of teeth)
Me: Bug, please go in your room for quiet time. Mealyworm asked to play with the van first, so she gets the van. (I essentially say this same thing repeatedly for the next 5 disturbances, amazingly enough, I was pretty calm and not screaming hardly at all.)

Distrubance #2
Bug: I want the Dora van! If you give me the van, I'll clean my whole room! (he amazingly enough likes to clean his room during "quiet time" who knows how I gave birth to a neat freak, but its wonderful)
Me: see above

Disturbance #3
Bug: I want the Dora van! If you give me the van, I'll clean the whole house! (if I actually thought he would follow through with it, I totally would have caved at this point.)
Me: see above

Distrubance #4
Bug: I want the Dora van! If you don't give me the van, I'll make a big mess of my room, of the WHOLE house! (clever little brat, switching it up like that.)
Me: see above

Disturbance #5
Bug: I want the Dora van! If you don't give me the van, I'm going to smoke. I'm going to smoke when I grow bigger. I'm gonna' smoke all day. I'm gonna' smoke the whole world! (I have no idea why he chose this moment in time to pull out this topic from a very brief discussion we had on smoking from like a year ago. I'm quite happy he's still a little fuzzy on the details of "smoking".)
Me: see above (trying to hide my shock and a little smile)

You never can guess what these crazy kids will say next.

Fast food, oops.

So I'm torn...being a stay-at-home mom is a balance...you've got to find out the right amount of getting out of the house and chillin' at home for your pack of hoodlums. It isn't an easy formula to just apply to your life...you've got to test it out and unfortunately, it probably changes depending on various other life factors (teething, getting sick, not sleeping well, etc.). So I'm working that out. I'm a better mom if I'm out of the house some. But I'm more laid back and "fun" if we're just hanging out at home. The kids get cabin fever if we stay home too much, but they get over-stimulated, exhausted, cranky, "out of whack" if we go out too much. So we'll see if we ever find the right balance.
Today, Wednesday...
1. Marshmallow Mateys for bfast
2. Lots of morning PBS on TV
3. At the suggestion of my awesome neighbor, we went to the library for Toddler Time story hour - today's theme, Birthdays. It went surprisingly well. Thank goodness Early Bird slept the entire time.
4. I rewarded myself for surviving a trip to the library with all 3 kids - we went to the Taco Bell drive thru...and I enjoyed the entire 10 minutes I had to wait in the drive thru lane, relative peace and quiet.
5. Eating the tacos at home.
6. Rest Time for Mealyworm. Quiet Time for Bug. Nursing/burping/crying time for Early Bird. (This part of the day is the worst. I really wanted to lay down with Mealyworm and take a rest, but EB wouldn't have it.)
7. Watched about 1/2 of AirBud, played with LEGOs, colored w/ markers.
8. Played outside in the front of the house.
9. Went to the park behind our house.
10. Watched the rest of AirBud until T-Dad got home.

Whew, another day down. I have a hard time imagining my life like this for the next 5 years. I guess we just take it one day at a time.

Day 2 - Much better

Okay so yesterday, my first day as a stay-at-home mom, went...not so well. I got some weird virus, from T-Dad who was violently vomiting Friday night, and felt like total crap. I asked T-Dad to leave work early and come home, in other words, I had to call in the reserves. But Day 2...much better.
1. French Toast for breakfast
(several hours of PBS cartoons...I'm working on that, I swear)
2. A trip (with all 3 children) to the new Meijer - Impressive, I know.
3. Lunch - Hot dogs, cottage cheese and grapes.
4. Naps - all around, I actually convinced Bug to nap, it took some work. But I am going to try to get him to actually sleep on Tues/Thurs so that he can stay up a little later. T-Dad works late on Tues.
5. Craft Time - painting (painting is a special treat because its such a pain...but today I used it as a reward for being so good at Meijer)
(and another 45 min of PBS cartoons)
6. Washing the LEGOs - 2 kids, double sink, warm soapy water, LOTS of sticky LEGOs
7. Trip to the Park behind our house
8. Dinner - Pasta, bananas and raw veggies w/ dip
9. Play with the clean LEGOs and watch AirBud, the movie

Finally T-Dad is home...7:30pm. Whew. I survived.

Early Bird Update

Everyone is enjoying the sunshine this week. :)

Big Yawn.

Life is Good

I love all the 'Life is Good' clothing, mugs, bags, etc. Combining a positive, non-religious, non-drug condemning/condoning message on comfortable,casual clothes. Perfect. I wish I would have thought of that idea because I'd be rich. The weather is warming up, I have one more week at home with just the baby and me...and then it gets even better...albeit a little more challenging...but then my "big kids" get to stay home too! I'm really excited and very nervous...I actually went to Mrs. B's School Supplies teacher store (the one by Yours, Mine & Ours) last week to buy some incentive charts and stickers, etc. And I want to come up with a daily schedule and try to stick with it (that's hard for me, I like to "switch things up regularly"). I'm thinking something like this might be good for starters...
Wake Up
Get out of bed, Make Bed
Put Clothes On.
Eat Breakfast
Play Outside/Craft Time
Eat Lunch
Nap/Quiet Time
Play Outside/Craft Time
Snack/Movie Time (while I make dinner)
Dinner
um, okay..I don't know when to start the timeline. Do I let the kids sleep in as late as they want or do I wake them up at a certain time? Do we get clothes on right away or do we hang out in our pajamas for a few hours? Do I actually cook breakfast (because I'm home and all) or do we eat cold cereal and bananas? So many ways this could go...I just want it to be a positive experience for them and for me. Not an experience we all regret because Mommy turns into a screaming banshee and the small children become replicas of Dennis the Menace.

Life Goes On

While I've been busy...lots of things have been going on in the world...and in my friends' lives. I'm so behind. I hope that my friend has a good surgery today. And I hope that my other friend is perserving on her healthy eating plan. And I hope that my friend training for the half-marathon is staying on track. And I hope that I can get caught up with all my friends soon.

Early Bird - Day 17

Here we are at Day 17...sorry its been so long since I posted. Its been more of the same the last week or so. Early Bird has 8 feedings a day and its "doctor's orders" that she "nipple 8 out of 8" so that means...at the appropriate feeding time (every 3 hours) the nurse/parent gives her a bottle (almost all the time containing breastmilk - woo-hoo, my milk has come all the way in.) and then its a numbers game...Early Bird drinks as much of the bottle as she wants (or can possibly stay awake for) and then the rest goes into her tummy through her feeding tube. And until she gets 75% of her total daily calories from those bottle feedings (not what goes in the tube) she can't bust out of the joint.

Its hard for premature babies to get the hang of "suck, swallow, breath". And that's what drinking a bottle is all about. In the womb, babies are developing that reflex right around 35-36 wks, while floating in a bath of amniotic fluid...but with EB having entered the world around 34 wks...she has to learn this skill in a different way (every 3 hours with a latex nipple and breastmilk) and at a different time (NOW!).

But the good news is...
Day 14 - 64% of her feedings from the bottle/breast
Day 15 - 72% of her feedings from the bottle/breast
Day 16 - 82% of her feedings from the bottle/breast

The end is in sight...they pulled out her feeding tube yesterday at the 6pm feeding and she's been keeping her numbers up. They are going to keep watching her for another 24-48 hours and if all goes well...she's going to be pushed out of the NICU nest and ready to fly on her own (at home with us). :)