The Orange Rhino

panda. sweet panda is learning how to react.  how to anticipate.  how to predict the outcome.  but she is often surprised by my response.  and her tears come and her strong little person voice comes out and says..."i didn't know that would make you mad".  "please don't yell mommy, i did not know that".  whether it is playing with my makeup in the bathroom, spilling water all over the floor in the kitchen and just walking away, throwing "the family owls" down the front steps and leaving them, etc.  her innocence is pure.  yes, she should know better in some of these cases but what strikes me most right now...is her honesty in sharing "i didn't know that would make you mad, mommy".  she is trying to figure it all out.  figure out how to "do the right thing" and every once and a while she totally nails it....but most of the time, she still experimenting with how her actions result in reactions from the people around her...her brother, sister, her mom, her dad, the cats, etc. 

for my part, i wish i didn't yell.  i hate the rush of anger that engulfs me and ruins me.  ruins the mom i wish i could be, ruins the reasonable me, the mom who uses each transgression as a lesson in life.  an explanation of how the choices we make result in consequences.  some to our liking, some to others liking.  but most of them to no one's liking. 

The Orange Rhino. can i do what this mom did?  can i commit to not yelling for 365 days?  what kind of person would i be on the other end of that?  would i find more peace within myself? or would i just spontaneously combust or implode?  can i be that strong, and strict with myself (o' little me with my weak discipline and loyalty)?

i'm going to do it.  when the red hot anger comes to envelope me and i want to blow my top like a mad hatter's tea pot.  i will resist.  i will be stronger than that.  why? because yelling sucks.  yelling hurts.  yelling fills my kids, my husband and me with shame and saddness.  they don't deserve that and it doesn't teach them what ultimately i'm wanting them to know.  to know that life is hard, bad things happen, but we can persevere with our dignity in tact, with kindness in our hearts and our actions truly can all come from a place of love.

So here begins DAY 1 of No Yelling.