Thursday, August 27, 2009

That feeling.

Ugh. Its happened again. I'm inadequate. My kids are awful. Their behavior is atrocious. And I just don't know what the fuck to do about it. I try to parent, punish, discipline, instill the right values, teach the good lessons, lead by good example, look both ways before I cross the street, hold hands in the parking lot, brush your teeth at bedtime AND in the morning, wash your hands before dinner, wipe your butt until there is no poop on the toilet paper, ask in a nice way, use your words, hands are not for hitting, etc. etc. etc. But it isn't always just screaming and running around in restaurants, or the skid marks in their underwear. Today, my kid decided he was curious if the neighbor's garage door was he repeatedly rammed his brand new scooter into it until the said neighbor poked his head out the door to see what the noise was. Mind you I was there, outside in the driveway watching him, but my huge, honking mini-van blocked my view of the top of my neighbor's driveway for this critical 15 seconds in time. And so wouldn't you know it...the brand-new scooter left several marks and small dents on the 1 day old paint job on the less than a year old garage door. And the neighbor wasn't too happy. And as I stood next to my neighbor looking at the damaged garage door, repeatedly saying I'm sorry, I couldn't see him for a minute and I'll repaint your garage door, and I'm really sorry...blah, blah, blah. I had "that feeling". That sinking feeling, that feeling that I know I did something wrong, but I don't know any way to fix it. And I never thought that feeling could get any worse...I've experienced it many times and hate it every time. But it does get worse...what's worse is when its something your kid did. How can I fix it? How can I return the world to the way it was 3 minutes ago? Why don't I know the right way to handle this? Why did I let this happen in the first place? Why did I get him a new scooter? Why doesn't he respect other people's property? Why aren't I stricter? I need to be stricter. I need more rules. I'm ephasizing the wrong rules. I need simpler rules. I need to watch him EVERY second. I need to keep him in the driveway. I need to keep him in the house. I have no business raising three children. I can't even keep the litter box clean. I'm stuck. I'm in this...I'm a parent...I want to do a good job...I want good kids...I'm so inadequate, but I don't have a choice. I'm it, I'm a parent and tomorrow is another day.


Anonymous said...

Oh friend, please put down your weapons of self destruction and give yourself a break. You deserve the same compassion & support you would give to any of the mothers in your life. We all do the best we can & we can't be everywhere & everything. Our kids are going to make mistakes, sometimes the same ones over & over again. All we can do is to keep trying to figure out ways to help them on their journeys. Remember too that our kids are still really young & haven't been on their journeys very long. If you can, imagine it was one of my guys who banged up the garage door & I was feeling how you are. Now be as kind to yourself as you would be to me. Your a good mom & your kids are lucky. And who gives a shit about the litter box anyway?!


Looseyfur said...

K gives awesome advice!

imarogers said...

A third K's comment. We are so much more sympathetic to our parents friends than to ourselves.

My counselor (because I definitely need one of those) tells me that J is just trying to figure out his boundaries and how hard he can push them. I try to remember that when he is in the middle of boundary pushing, and I'm in the middle of boundary keeping.

Lavender Lemonade said...

K does give good advice. :) And makes awesome Irish Soda Bread. Thanks friends. I'm in a better place today.