Monday, May 12, 2008

Just Walk Away

So Bug is going through separation anxiety...again. He's four, this shouldn't be happening again and on top of all the other crap I have to deal with but it is. It starts when we begin walking down the hallway to his classroom, he hangs on me. He pulls my pants, my jacket, my shirt, burying his face into me. And then I peel him off of me to hang up his jacket, and I give him a big hug and kiss and tell him I will see in later and that I love him. And have a good day, and go to the window and wave to me when I get outside and all of it falls on deaf ears. He clings to me and cries, "one more hug", "don't leave mommie", etc. I'm filled with mixed emotions and only one option - to walk out the door as quickly as possible and get to work. Don't get me wrong, of course there's a part of me that just wants to scoop him up and take him out for doughnuts at that moment. But there's another part of me that is irritated...stop pulling my shirt, your hand is in my crotch, I've got to go, why do we have to go through this, why is my kid doing this, his little friends look like such good kids - why isn't he?, let go of me! So I walk out and the other mom's dropping off in the hallway look at me and I wonder, do they understand? or do they think my kid is rotten and I'm a terrible mom. But then there's that other part of me that says, free...free at last, no one clinging to me, I'm on my own...for a little while.

2 comments:

Looseyfur said...

I think that's one of the reasons I was so excited about going back to work when I was 3 months post partum. I know work. I like work. It's easy.

This whole motherhood thing... so foreign. So not easy. -- Maybe that's not the word... maybe I find work intuitive. Motherhood was not intuitive for me from the very beginning when the nurse said, "Push!" and I said, "What? How?"

Where as other people say they talk about feeling a natural urge, I had nothing.

But I think through all the difficult, where the hell is your instruction manual moments... you're doing a fab job, Mom.

Quigs78 said...

I miss my freedom. I used to feel guilty about being SO excited when I got to leave the kids and go do something alone. Even if it was just to go grocery shopping. I thought, surely other moms don't get this happy about being without their kids. I love them to death, but everybody needs 'me' time. It makes for a better mom, I think!